People Always Leave

La moule

Good day Hans ! I meant to write you way earlier than that. I guess now is the right time. So my trip back home went very well. I visited Hitomi and Tomomi in Japan, then crossed Siberia on railroads and finished up by hitchhiking my way through Eastern Europe to home. I met many awesome people and also the creepy ones. It was fast and intense but it was definitely worth it. So for the last 3 weeks I’m home again, which feels good, yet somehow very different too. Actually I wasn’t expecting it to be that hard. It is a mix between the hasn’t-changed thing and the I-don’t-want-it-to-be-like-before. It’s strange. I feel strange. A stranger in my home. I definitely don’t think I’ve changed that much but I’m not completely the same either. I’ts been 3 and a half years for God sake ! But people can’t figure it out and don’t get it I guess. Because they haven’t changed and nothing changed in their own life. It’s bloody hard. I don’t know how to act and it is actually a pain to be "acting". Ths is it Hans : I feel like I’m acting. And I actually thought about it on my way back : who am I gonna have the sort of conversation-debate about every subjects as we had ? Who am I gonna speak the truth with anymore ? I tried to explain my project to my family, the all organic-sustainable-selfsufficient one that I’m dreaming about. I tried not to scare them and to just explain without trying to convince them. This is hard work too. We’re not in the same world on that point. I respect their opinion but it seems like they’re laughing at mine. Tough time. Finally looks like I’m on my own. I don’t regret to be back, and I’m not gonna change my mind. I haven’t come all the way to flee again. I know it needs some time, we need to get used to each other again I guess. But I must admit that I do now understand the ones that just don’t want to take it and leave again. I get the feeling. I get the need. So anyway I got a new job that I start next Thursday. This should ease the transition a little bit more, hopefully. And I’m just gonna put myself into my projects and my future. For the rest I’ll just give it more time. Not happy news, sorry Hans, but I needed to say it. How’s BD going ? How are you doing Hans ? Send me some goodness and heat as well, it’s bloody cold here ! Say hi to the gang. Love, Sara

G’day Sara, How good to hear from you. And so good that you fulfilled your ground-trip home. Must have been awesome ! Yes, you changed of course, after three years traveling and experiencing like you did. Your family and friends will have changed as well, only a (very) little bit. Guess it is too much to expect that they understand immediately. Maybe the strange feeling has something to do with the fact that you left as a girl and came back as a woman with a mission. They will have expected to see the girl back, not the woman with a dream and need time to adjust to you again. For them, when they have been happy living their lives basically with everything they need in a nice and safe part of France, they will not have any urge for change. Boring ? Maybe, maybe not. What more can you want than a happy life with loved ones around you ? Maybe you can stop play-acting while at the same time being polite about it. Will be easier for you. At least you can be who you are. Maybe a bit of a problem for them, there is nothing wrong with that. And how else can they get used to May as per April 2016 ? And more, start the debates/conversations that you want. You are then in the driver seat and start some changes ! Don’t drop your dream about your own project ! The world needs people like you who make a difference. So don’t get stuck in a job. You still have the e-mail address of Marthe, the woman who run’s a horse operation somewhere in the south of France. Here is it anyway : Marthe Kiley-Worthington All the best Sara. Let me know how you are getting on. Best regards, Hans

Finalement j’me suis tournée vers Hans et j’ai eu raison. Ca m’a fait du bien de le lire. Il m’a fait chialer mais j’me suis sentie soutenue après ça. Quand même, les problèmes sont toujours là et je suis toujours seule. J’essaye de m’occuper, j’ai nettoyé ma voiture aujourd’hui, intérieur et extérieur, j’suis allée au RDV Pole Emploi… Mais du reste je n’fais que mater Vampire Diaries. C’te honte…